Tag: gossip

I knew

It was not meant to be. When you saw me as your annoying friend; awkward and “just trying to help”, I was half-way to pushing you away. I knew that we would fall apart. I knew we would never be. It was in the fist moment we met, that I ignored. I knew then, but gave you a fighting chance to prove me wrong. That thin slice of … hmm .. “something tells me you will be a problem in my life”. I knew.

I knew that, in the beginning, when you were telling me how “good” you are, you were really implying how shitty you will treat me down the road. I let you. Because I was not the one that wanted to change you. Other way around…

I didn’t want to push you away myself though. I reluctantly began phase A of “purge the waste” protocol. It isn’t difficult to make other’s do your dirty work for you. Just follow let the trash take itself out.. The plan must be convincing and execution, timely.

Phase A:

I Begin paying close attention to everything you do. I stalk you very obviously?and make you feel like I am there for everything. I attend every event you do. I wear similar clothing. I even become as quiet as you. I make it known to bring up our similarities and help you with everything you are working on. I involve myself in all of your business. I play the soccer mom who knows exactly what you want.

Phase B:

I send you texts often and begin to compliment you on all things obvious. If you draw attention to your hair with by making pretty, I make sure to say something about it. If you take a picture of your chest, I’ll hint at sexual vibes and blow up your ego.

Slowly I creep into your mind like a mirror of captain obvious and mediocre google knowledge that you are desperately trying to avoid. Your judgmental friends have laid the ground work for me.

Phase C:

I send you gifts that moderately resemble your passions but not quiet creative enough to be exactly what you would rather like. This is the finishing touch and when done right, will be the nail on a friendship coffin. Something close to what you do everyday, like a vacuum for a housewife or a rolling pin for a pastry chef or a plant for a gardener… a lens mug for a photographer… 😉 something that screams “I want to please you but I have no idea who you are”

At this point our worlds are oscillating so far apart that we don’t even want to see another awkward encounter. We text each-other randomly just to say we still keep in touch but our texts end shortly after “doing good?”-“yeah”-cordial exchange.

We like each-other’s Insta posts for social politics and good karma points but in reality we have run our course and the end is near. I couldn’t be happier. I knew you would be glad to see me go after “the purge”. Who could stand it? Things that you like get so old, so fast. But honestly, I couldn’t deal with telling you how selfish you were by lying to me… how selfish you were by building castles in the sky and painting pretty pictures only to wash it all away and live your dream without me the next day. By taking my ideas and selling them as your own without consent. By telling me I am useless when all I gave you was inspiration. By lowering my self worth after I wrote your life in ink. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let me… tell you.. you were a fake.

I chose to rather show you the road to hell with a smile and a beautiful feeling of hope for you to meet someone better than me. Someone that knows you better. Someone that is less annoying and painfully normal. Someone that you will spend the rest of your life chasing. Someone like you. Someone.. that IS .. you.

Have fun chasing your own tail, Hun. I hope I don’t see you again.

I wonder if you knew

All those times you’ve called me a house cat. I wonder if you knew I was listening.. I wonder if you knew I was ok with that and came back to see where you wanted me> I wonder if you could catch your own clever thoughts come back to you like a reflection in the mirror, bite like the tequila that you like so much. Not sure, but one thing i do know is that you sure kept going like nothing was wrong. I don’t know if it was the curiosity or it was the anticipation that was killing you but you did make sure i was happy on my way out.

How hard was it to keep friends around? Did you long for someone who could take all of you with the ups and the downs.?

Well, full disclosure. It was my first time and you knew. I know that you knew because you looked at me to search for a reaction or a reflection in all the semi-insults that I got>, unfortunately, I wasn’t that stupid. Not to brag but I understood more than you dished. I really wanted to see what my reflection looked like emotionally. It looked really dumb the way you pained it but that was no problem. I cared less about how I looked and more what personal brush strokes you added to my portrait… your own interpretation. It was good but you did add some disturbing judgment. The judgment I would never have thought you would be capable of. Like…

The counterpart you wanted to see in me but you never saw. You pressed hard to see it but i would not budge. I was silent and you kept your jabs loaded. I sat still as my best friend joined in and eventually laughed it off. I get it. That is how life goes and that is how we learn. But, that is the dark side. Fortunately, we aren’t on the same team. I was just visiting. Just seeing how it’s done so I can fight the good fight. So I can distance myself and others like me far far away from your kind. We aren’t better than you. We aren’t stronger. We are simple. We don’t require emotional layers to complicate our existence. We simply need a connection. No superstitious inclination or manifestation of meaning, just simple, pure, the unadulterated connection that your kind craves so much but can’t get… because you are hell-bent on some infatuated and over-dramatized complexion that you can’t even understand.

It’s what you are. Your own ego staring back at you trying to see deeper into yourself when there really isn’t anything more than your fucking face.

I get it. We are all here to understand what we are and how we work but all I see in you is a soul, looking to others for inspiration and meaning not able to understand others and applying that stencil for yourself… while you come out complex and colorful, you are not yourself. You don’t even understand what you are. You have no clue what those nuances mean and how they work, you just know that they work for someone else and now you want to be like them… so you go for the quick fix. The get rich quick scheme. The “call now and get double” bullshit. Painting on trigonometric series onto your eyebrows and rhetoric that is so abstract only the writer knows what’s up with it. But you don’t see how ridiculous you look from my perspective. I’m the quiet guy. The dude that wants nothing to do with the you that you became and just waits and hopes you remember who you were and find the strength to get in touch with her and humbly say something that means more to you than to those around you that might hear it and judge you for what you choose to say.