Letter to some friends

Letter to Chuuk

Notice it said lift and support … Tristan I know you have no idea how to do that since you’ve only mastered pushing people down, but please do your best to read through this tough text since you weren’t able to read the last message. If you take people’s rights away by speaking for the group, it makes you sound like Safron using “we” to speak on behalf of people she has never met. Just sounds like *you don’t know what you’re talking about, man, which totally makes sense. Please stop making a fool of yourself, you had me at “googled rare dictionary words to use at dinner to sound smart”.

This isn’t to win over your hearts and say wow.. he’s right, everyone. This is not at all about me since the stories are real and they hit differently when I write them for the military folk who go home in coffins. I am here to help you see the rest of the picture. This is about you. I am a mirror. Look at yourself and ask, “what am I and why am I”

Are you a reactive doll who is pushed around by other people (like Tristan), prompted, triggered and primed at will of others or do you follow your own path with eternal light shining within? (Chest Lion tattoos don’t count as courage, merely a symbol for what you want so so bad)

Are you an educator who never gives up on learning about the world around you, or have you completed that path and are polishing your arguments like trophies treating everyone around you like you have won every argument before it even started… cuz you been to some countries and seen the “world”.

Well, here’s a little note. I promise, you haven’t seen the world until you see it from the perspective of locals. Until you drop your ego and humble yourself for the magnitude of gift of life itself, you will not know what it is like to starve or be humiliated everyday, not be able to read, not have a family or running water growing up, having to invent your own opportunity, be discriminated against. You experience the sight of them… but never never ever understand it until you live it.

To you, it will be “just sad” without any credible solution. Tristan, for example ate 5 meals per day completely comfortably on an island rampant with starving children just to satisfy his newly found manhood. Corey, withdrew from everything and dove deeper into his own arrogance. Instead of offering his peace to everyone as a gift… he kept it as a holy grail of blessings to hostage his “coveted” presence and diminish who wasn’t cool enough for him. Safron was the face and mouth of coconut-wireless talking to locals and her “favorite teachers” spreading dirt instead of working on being a fair and even leader. This ain’t the picture I would put together when I would talk about people that care. People that ride on the backs of others to push their own agenda. Unhumble breed with egos larger than life itself. Ungrateful for what they have.

I am not here to pull pity into my direction nor do I care for any from anyone as a defender of our great nation. This ain’t even about black lives matter. This is what happens almost every day in your armed forces with people they love, care and cherish while making lifelong memories with. These posts are simply to bring perspective, something that Safron Smith is clearly lacking. While Corey and Safron are comfortably defending hate and discrimination in their middle class homes with good education, family support, no history of criminal activity, not being born into slavery, watching internet videos and recently waking to a horrifying reality of systematic oppression that’s been in place for years…. your country’s military is fighting and sometimes giving their life for YOUR freedom to spread rage throughout our country…. has that sunken in yet?

This isn’t good, and I really hope this shines a bit of light for all who defend Safron’s lack of heart in all matters including the person who yelled “stop saying I love you”. Dismissing, unfollowing, blocking and discriminating against someone who has a different perspective, especially when they speak of love and forgiveness from the front-lines makes you a fascist. Simple as that. “Forcible suppression of opposition”.

Safron Smith, I hereby condemn you as enemy of the state, talking against our country’s beliefs and disrespecting our country’s flag and all it stands for. You do not deserve the freedoms given to you at no cost by those who payed with their life. You do not deserve respect, Safron. Not from me.

Please, may the conversations about this deeply complex subject commence… because clearly we have some egos to shatter

I knew

It was not meant to be. When you saw me as your annoying friend; awkward and “just trying to help”, I was half-way to pushing you away. I knew that we would fall apart. I knew we would never be. It was in the fist moment we met, that I ignored. I knew then, but gave you a fighting chance to prove me wrong. That thin slice of … hmm .. “something tells me you will be a problem in my life”. I knew.

I knew that, in the beginning, when you were telling me how “good” you are, you were really implying how shitty you will treat me down the road. I let you. Because I was not the one that wanted to change you. Other way around…

I didn’t want to push you away myself though. I reluctantly began phase A of “purge the waste” protocol. It isn’t difficult to make other’s do your dirty work for you. Just follow let the trash take itself out.. The plan must be convincing and execution, timely.

Phase A:

I Begin paying close attention to everything you do. I stalk you very obviously?and make you feel like I am there for everything. I attend every event you do. I wear similar clothing. I even become as quiet as you. I make it known to bring up our similarities and help you with everything you are working on. I involve myself in all of your business. I play the soccer mom who knows exactly what you want.

Phase B:

I send you texts often and begin to compliment you on all things obvious. If you draw attention to your hair with by making pretty, I make sure to say something about it. If you take a picture of your chest, I’ll hint at sexual vibes and blow up your ego.

Slowly I creep into your mind like a mirror of captain obvious and mediocre google knowledge that you are desperately trying to avoid. Your judgmental friends have laid the ground work for me.

Phase C:

I send you gifts that moderately resemble your passions but not quiet creative enough to be exactly what you would rather like. This is the finishing touch and when done right, will be the nail on a friendship coffin. Something close to what you do everyday, like a vacuum for a housewife or a rolling pin for a pastry chef or a plant for a gardener… a lens mug for a photographer… 😉 something that screams “I want to please you but I have no idea who you are”

At this point our worlds are oscillating so far apart that we don’t even want to see another awkward encounter. We text each-other randomly just to say we still keep in touch but our texts end shortly after “doing good?”-“yeah”-cordial exchange.

We like each-other’s Insta posts for social politics and good karma points but in reality we have run our course and the end is near. I couldn’t be happier. I knew you would be glad to see me go after “the purge”. Who could stand it? Things that you like get so old, so fast. But honestly, I couldn’t deal with telling you how selfish you were by lying to me… how selfish you were by building castles in the sky and painting pretty pictures only to wash it all away and live your dream without me the next day. By taking my ideas and selling them as your own without consent. By telling me I am useless when all I gave you was inspiration. By lowering my self worth after I wrote your life in ink. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let me… tell you.. you were a fake.

I chose to rather show you the road to hell with a smile and a beautiful feeling of hope for you to meet someone better than me. Someone that knows you better. Someone that is less annoying and painfully normal. Someone that you will spend the rest of your life chasing. Someone like you. Someone.. that IS .. you.

Have fun chasing your own tail, Hun. I hope I don’t see you again.

Text Like an Adult

One send – one reply (as a general rule)

Know when to end a conversation Sometimes you are the last person before the light turns yellow and it’s up to you to make the call to stop the car.

Text back when you see a message

Sometimes! the best response is no reply Use this sparingly to avoid drama

Keep it clean/calm – less feelings the better

Try to not text just for laughs (gets old)

Never get angry/sarcastic via text. Confusing and immature on so many levels. Because adults don’t spare 3-4 messages about what you actually meant…

Never say you are lonely or bored

Don’t creep, but if u must, do it randomly

Never ever EVER confess love!!! Cringe!!!!

Try to keep it short if possible Controltheurge to “say EVERYTHING” sparknotes that shit

Respect phone/ face distance during composition. You really won’t compose a better text if phone is closer to your face (looks ridiculous from the side)


Imagine if we had nothing to go off of when reading people’s reactions. We talk and they don’t react. Sort of like interacting in a dark room. Well, this sounds a bit like texting, right? If we don’t use emoji we don’t allow the listener to understand us completely. We don’t take the time fully express. This is actually about a small self-experiment… So we are talking and if we don’t get a response… our mind makes one up. Usually, this response is a judgment manifested and synthesized from past experiences with the listener, etc…

Essentially, we see ourselves in the empty space that isn’t filled by the listener. How often do we hear the speaker say something like, “do you agree?” “what do you think?” This is a reach for that emotional necessity to validate that we aren’t speaking to ourselves. Cuz that sounds silly and makes us feel awkward when in other’s presence.

Funny how this is the last thing on speaker’s mind and is completely justified in their head saying.. “well, aren’t they rude” The listener failed to fill in the space that is silent. The space that usually gives the speaker feedback about what they are saying is accepted. But…

The difference in confident speakers and those who talk just to be heard is, well, just that. The silence isn’t awkward and it isn’t judged by those who are sure of their message. There is no labeling of listener as rude or overly agreeable by a self confident speaker. Judgement is so easy and we do it so often. I see it everyday in myself and others.

The push here is to be aware of your self reflection during this time of fear. We are most vulnerable when we are judging other’s because this is our mind protecting itself. We fear what we do not know so we make up things to make ourselves feel better – to instantly pull ourselves into “self-pity” because it is <mom’s stroke on the head of approval>… We want to remain good in our own eyes. We want to love ourselves but the empty space gives us… a reflection. It gives us not someone else. It gives us not what we expect. The empty space clearly shows us exactly who we are in HD. Plain and bright as day, known to ourselves to a pain. We know ourselves. But we expect to hear something different. Something we don’t know. Something else… we want something other than us. We crave to know another. But we get ourselves. Ah, the disappointment. The rising emotion of confusion and discomfort are unsettling and we immediately judge (get this) OURSELVES.

We know us best, right. We know ourselves to such stillness that all this happens in a fraction of a millisecond. We break down our own image in the darkness of an empty space where reply from another “should” make us happy and content… because we crave to know another and not us.

But, you see you. So, what do you do? Where do I go now, now that I’ve taken apart this Goldberg machine and am stuck with these dominoes half way to the kitchen to pour me a bowl of cereal?

Funny enough. It is about you. This is you, trying to tell you… to love you.

So, really up to you what you do with these crumbs and just note yourself. Be aware that you are sending yourself messages during conversations with others. What are you missing? Can you do better at treating yourself with respect and consideration necessary to be entirely content and happy? And I’m not talking bullshit happiness we all say and pretend to chase after. I’m talking real, genuine, simple happiness. Are you OK with yourself? Being you, just being still. Just being. Because if you can’t sit still with yourself for a few minutes allowing yourself to be you and not pulling yourself in a million directions telling yourself to “hurry up” or “stop thinking about something” or “get up and do whatever, for the last time god damn it!” … then you are not able to go further. You will not be able to clearly communicate with others or tell them what you really want.. or even love them.

Yes, cheezy af but, this is it. Love really is the answer here so… cheers to you. You, who finds moments to send yourself secret messages. Look out for those. They are important. (but editing this post isn’t! *clicks Publish)

All the teachers out there

Instructors who ask for a lot are the parent’s they never were to their children. Why, why are you so strict and taxing with your assignments? You aren’t a new teacher. You aren’t that old to have life lessons beating you into afterlife… why are you such an ass? stubborn and relentlessly stuck in your own ways. Sigh. Who are you?

Honestly, were all just so sick and tired of your bull shit with the over-explaining and giving us all the useless shit we don’t need. If you wanna get your point across, you should simplify your method. Be clear and concrete. Black and fucking white. Give me the building blocks and I will take care of the work. I don’t need your useless rhetoric on how you used to struggle back in school with the same issues or how your behavior is a direct reflection of what you are now and how you treat your surroundings. THAT is your choice to make and yours alone. I’m here to become a better version of you. Let’s make this quick. So many waiting to be born. We really don’t have much time. Have you seen our icecaps?

I wonder if you knew

All those times you’ve called me a house cat. I wonder if you knew I was listening.. I wonder if you knew I was ok with that and came back to see where you wanted me> I wonder if you could catch your own clever thoughts come back to you like a reflection in the mirror, bite like the tequila that you like so much. Not sure, but one thing i do know is that you sure kept going like nothing was wrong. I don’t know if it was the curiosity or it was the anticipation that was killing you but you did make sure i was happy on my way out.

How hard was it to keep friends around? Did you long for someone who could take all of you with the ups and the downs.?

Well, full disclosure. It was my first time and you knew. I know that you knew because you looked at me to search for a reaction or a reflection in all the semi-insults that I got>, unfortunately, I wasn’t that stupid. Not to brag but I understood more than you dished. I really wanted to see what my reflection looked like emotionally. It looked really dumb the way you pained it but that was no problem. I cared less about how I looked and more what personal brush strokes you added to my portrait… your own interpretation. It was good but you did add some disturbing judgment. The judgment I would never have thought you would be capable of. Like…

The counterpart you wanted to see in me but you never saw. You pressed hard to see it but i would not budge. I was silent and you kept your jabs loaded. I sat still as my best friend joined in and eventually laughed it off. I get it. That is how life goes and that is how we learn. But, that is the dark side. Fortunately, we aren’t on the same team. I was just visiting. Just seeing how it’s done so I can fight the good fight. So I can distance myself and others like me far far away from your kind. We aren’t better than you. We aren’t stronger. We are simple. We don’t require emotional layers to complicate our existence. We simply need a connection. No superstitious inclination or manifestation of meaning, just simple, pure, the unadulterated connection that your kind craves so much but can’t get… because you are hell-bent on some infatuated and over-dramatized complexion that you can’t even understand.

It’s what you are. Your own ego staring back at you trying to see deeper into yourself when there really isn’t anything more than your fucking face.

I get it. We are all here to understand what we are and how we work but all I see in you is a soul, looking to others for inspiration and meaning not able to understand others and applying that stencil for yourself… while you come out complex and colorful, you are not yourself. You don’t even understand what you are. You have no clue what those nuances mean and how they work, you just know that they work for someone else and now you want to be like them… so you go for the quick fix. The get rich quick scheme. The “call now and get double” bullshit. Painting on trigonometric series onto your eyebrows and rhetoric that is so abstract only the writer knows what’s up with it. But you don’t see how ridiculous you look from my perspective. I’m the quiet guy. The dude that wants nothing to do with the you that you became and just waits and hopes you remember who you were and find the strength to get in touch with her and humbly say something that means more to you than to those around you that might hear it and judge you for what you choose to say.


It’s really white what you do and how fast you do it. But anyway, making decisions is difficult. So the way you make other people feel by being the decision maker is ultimately you fortune.

Being careful if you guess the right personality for the man who wants or don’t want you to make a decision for them. For example: where do you want to go eat is never a decision I want to make. I honestly don’t care and could not care less if the person I’m going with makes that decision. So, if I get asked where do you wanna eat question, I rank that cat with a negative.

I really don’t like making unnecessary decisions. Takes to much time and ultimately i don’t want to keep around people who don’t save me time but waste it instead with mediocre tasks that they leave to me, like deciding where to eat or drink… etc

Wanting and hating

Currently researching this disgusting thing in humans that makes us hate each other when we show affection. Why do some feel this repulsive need to distance themselves and spread hate when another showed them love and makes them feel wanted?

I met an artist and I offered him a connection in New York. He was traveling soon and I wanted to help. Instead of being thankful and connecting with me, he distanced himself and made me feel as if we have more distance between us than we established. It was clearly a play on some type of facade which I am still bound to find out why in the hell… possibly some personal problems… there’s underlying hints on childhood trauma and mediocre friend circles who make him feel he needs to do this.

Staying away for a while to clear my head and gather myself although i’ve already lost my footing, and was completely taken off guard when he repeatedly called me selfish. My life‘s work is in helping people. Everything I do revolves around someone other than me. And because we’ve establish this inner circle between us I trusted him and his words. And these words hurt. Oh they hurt bad.


Where a man falls short is where he searches for another to be better. Foolish to try and do everything on your own. It’s too difficult to reinvent the wheel and pull the wagon all on your own. You simply have no time to allow your ego take over. Just need to let people help you. No need to search or set new goals, etc. Allow the universe to help you. Stop working so hard for the low hanging fruit.