judgement – Protocol Behavior

It was not meant to be. When you saw me as your annoying friend; awkward and “just trying to help”, I was half-way to pushing you away. I knew that we would fall apart. I knew we would never be. It was in the fist moment we met, that I ignored. I knew then, but gave you a fighting chance to prove me wrong. That thin slice of … hmm .. “something tells me you will be a problem in my life”. I knew.

I knew that, in the beginning, when you were telling me how “good” you are, you were really implying how shitty you will treat me down the road. I let you. Because I was not the one that wanted to change you. Other way around…

I didn’t want to push you away myself though. I reluctantly began phase A of “purge the waste” protocol. It isn’t difficult to make other’s do your dirty work for you. Just follow let the trash take itself out.. The plan must be convincing and execution, timely.

Phase A:

I Begin paying close attention to everything you do. I stalk you very obviously?and make you feel like I am there for everything. I attend every event you do. I wear similar clothing. I even become as quiet as you. I make it known to bring up our similarities and help you with everything you are working on. I involve myself in all of your business. I play the soccer mom who knows exactly what you want.

Phase B:

I send you texts often and begin to compliment you on all things obvious. If you draw attention to your hair with by making pretty, I make sure to say something about it. If you take a picture of your chest, I’ll hint at sexual vibes and blow up your ego.

Slowly I creep into your mind like a mirror of captain obvious and mediocre google knowledge that you are desperately trying to avoid. Your judgmental friends have laid the ground work for me.

Phase C:

I send you gifts that moderately resemble your passions but not quiet creative enough to be exactly what you would rather like. This is the finishing touch and when done right, will be the nail on a friendship coffin. Something close to what you do everyday, like a vacuum for a housewife or a rolling pin for a pastry chef or a plant for a gardener… a lens mug for a photographer… 😉 something that screams “I want to please you but I have no idea who you are”

At this point our worlds are oscillating so far apart that we don’t even want to see another awkward encounter. We text each-other randomly just to say we still keep in touch but our texts end shortly after “doing good?”-“yeah”-cordial exchange.

We like each-other’s Insta posts for social politics and good karma points but in reality we have run our course and the end is near. I couldn’t be happier. I knew you would be glad to see me go after “the purge”. Who could stand it? Things that you like get so old, so fast. But honestly, I couldn’t deal with telling you how selfish you were by lying to me… how selfish you were by building castles in the sky and painting pretty pictures only to wash it all away and live your dream without me the next day. By taking my ideas and selling them as your own without consent. By telling me I am useless when all I gave you was inspiration. By lowering my self worth after I wrote your life in ink. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let me… tell you.. you were a fake.

I chose to rather show you the road to hell with a smile and a beautiful feeling of hope for you to meet someone better than me. Someone that knows you better. Someone that is less annoying and painfully normal. Someone that you will spend the rest of your life chasing. Someone like you. Someone.. that IS .. you.

Have fun chasing your own tail, Hun. I hope I don’t see you again.

Imagine if we had nothing to go off of when reading people’s reactions. We talk and they don’t react. Sort of like interacting in a dark room. Well, this sounds a bit like texting, right? If we don’t use emoji we don’t allow the listener to understand us completely. We don’t take the time fully express. This is actually about a small self-experiment… So we are talking and if we don’t get a response… our mind makes one up. Usually, this response is a judgment manifested and synthesized from past experiences with the listener, etc…

Essentially, we see ourselves in the empty space that isn’t filled by the listener. How often do we hear the speaker say something like, “do you agree?” “what do you think?” This is a reach for that emotional necessity to validate that we aren’t speaking to ourselves. Cuz that sounds silly and makes us feel awkward when in other’s presence.

Funny how this is the last thing on speaker’s mind and is completely justified in their head saying.. “well, aren’t they rude” The listener failed to fill in the space that is silent. The space that usually gives the speaker feedback about what they are saying is accepted. But…

The difference in confident speakers and those who talk just to be heard is, well, just that. The silence isn’t awkward and it isn’t judged by those who are sure of their message. There is no labeling of listener as rude or overly agreeable by a self confident speaker. Judgement is so easy and we do it so often. I see it everyday in myself and others.

The push here is to be aware of your self reflection during this time of fear. We are most vulnerable when we are judging other’s because this is our mind protecting itself. We fear what we do not know so we make up things to make ourselves feel better – to instantly pull ourselves into “self-pity” because it is <mom’s stroke on the head of approval>… We want to remain good in our own eyes. We want to love ourselves but the empty space gives us… a reflection. It gives us not someone else. It gives us not what we expect. The empty space clearly shows us exactly who we are in HD. Plain and bright as day, known to ourselves to a pain. We know ourselves. But we expect to hear something different. Something we don’t know. Something else… we want something other than us. We crave to know another. But we get ourselves. Ah, the disappointment. The rising emotion of confusion and discomfort are unsettling and we immediately judge (get this) OURSELVES.

We know us best, right. We know ourselves to such stillness that all this happens in a fraction of a millisecond. We break down our own image in the darkness of an empty space where reply from another “should” make us happy and content… because we crave to know another and not us.

But, you see you. So, what do you do? Where do I go now, now that I’ve taken apart this Goldberg machine and am stuck with these dominoes half way to the kitchen to pour me a bowl of cereal?

Funny enough. It is about you. This is you, trying to tell you… to love you.

So, really up to you what you do with these crumbs and just note yourself. Be aware that you are sending yourself messages during conversations with others. What are you missing? Can you do better at treating yourself with respect and consideration necessary to be entirely content and happy? And I’m not talking bullshit happiness we all say and pretend to chase after. I’m talking real, genuine, simple happiness. Are you OK with yourself? Being you, just being still. Just being. Because if you can’t sit still with yourself for a few minutes allowing yourself to be you and not pulling yourself in a million directions telling yourself to “hurry up” or “stop thinking about something” or “get up and do whatever, for the last time god damn it!” … then you are not able to go further. You will not be able to clearly communicate with others or tell them what you really want.. or even love them.

Yes, cheezy af but, this is it. Love really is the answer here so… cheers to you. You, who finds moments to send yourself secret messages. Look out for those. They are important. (but editing this post isn’t! *clicks Publish)